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Magical Pet
"Magical Pet" is the 10th and last episode of the third season and the 30th overall. Summary Baby Cakes wants a magical pet; Frank is plagued by unnatural hair growth; Pony and Steve prove to each other that they love their respective crushes. Plot While singing, Frank walks around campus, flirting with females, who scorn him despite his ignorance toward this. Meanwhile, Leonard catches his son dressed as Snow White, and Baby Cakes sings of his desire for a magical pet, claiming that all Disney princesses had one. Later, at night, Frank hits on Cindy, one of his neighbors, but his constant stuttering, combined with his negative reputation on campus, drives her away. Her comment takes a toll on Frank's self-esteem, and during a meeting at Town Bar, Baby Cakes tells about his magical pet, while Steve and Pony tease each other, thinking that the other only likes a certain person for his or her appearance. To prove themselves, Pony and Steve set up dates for their respective crushes; Pony prepares to date a food blogger, while Steve, a new bartender. Frank sees Cindy enter the bar, and Baby Cakes suggests that he ask her on a date. Before he can do so, however, Cindy warns that she's not interested in bald guys, and Frank thinks that it's the one thing he should fix about himself, confident she'll date him if he fixes it. At an adoption center, Leonard tries to get Baby Cakes a pet, but Baby Cakes isn't satisfied with any suggestion due to him wanting a truly magical pet. Patience wearing out, Leonard tells his son to grow up, claiming there aren't magical pets anywhere. Meanwhile, Frank searches for a balding remedy in Chinatown. Once he finds the store that sells them, he makes the purchase as Steve and Pony prepare to date their crushes, Barb and Clint, respectively. To their surprise, Pony discovers that Clint is a cyclops, while Steve discovers that Barb is a satyr. Both reluctantly agree to their dates, keeping their bet in mind. At the Cakes residence, Leonard finds Baby Cakes in his room, suicidal due to his crushed belief, and at Frank's apartment, Frank takes a hair pill, only to grow long hair all over his body. Reading the directions, he finds he needs to shave the undesired hair. Meanwhile, Steve and Pony meet in the history conference room, the former asking the latter about her date. Finding a picture of Clint, Steve sees he's a cyclops, then laughs as Pony verifies. When Barb enters, however, the laughter ceases, and Steve struggles to repress his true feelings about her as she converses with him. In musical form, Steve and Pony both insist they're the better person, claiming the other person will break up with their respective date before they do. Entering the "Fucking with Animals" department on campus, Leonard sees the Dean torturing animals, converting them to fuel. Seeing a depressed gorilla, Kei-Ko, Leonard offers to take her from the Dean to give to Baby Cakes, but the man-child rejects it, claiming it isn't magic, and remains suicidal. Meanwhile, sporting a head full of hair, Frank flirts with Cindy, but just as she shows interest in him, his body hair grows back. Any attempts to remove the excess hair prove futile, and the excessive hair growth won't subside for several more days, forcing Frank to lay low until that time arrives. In the woods, Frank hides here and finds more Bigfoot-esque men. Following a musical number explaining their situation, Leonard continues to no avail to appease Baby Cakes' want for a magic pet, then decides to travel to the woods. Meanwhile, Pony shares a drink with Clint, and at a mall, Steve buys clothes for Barb. Via a phone call, the history teachers insist to each other that they're staying with their respective dates for good in spite of their abnormalities. While the clothes Steve buys are intended to hide Barb's goat half, Pony has Clint split his uni-brow in half. Back in the woods, Leonard searches for a pet to give to Baby Cakes, but encounters Frank, still suffering from his excessive body hair. To keep Baby Cakes alive, Leonard takes Frank home with him, instructing him to act like Bigfoot so Baby Cakes will accept him. When Frank enters, Baby Cakes is instantly lifted from his depression. In their apartments, Steve and Pony claim to one another that they truly love their respective crushes, both secretly editing images of their crushes to remove the oddities. To add interest to their wager, they agree to a double date, eager to see if true love really is evident. Meanwhile, in Baby Cakes' room, Frank converses with Kei-Ko, and Kei-Ko gives a musical number about her fear that she's the last gorilla there is. Frank assures her there are still gorillas out there, and near the end of the song, both feel they'll be better off in the world. Baby Cakes enters, telling Kei-Ko that she's going back to the Dean for fuel conversion, and Frank watches helplessly as Kei-Ko is wheeled away from the Dean and Baby Cakes warns he'll return to being suicidal should "Bigfoot" be a hoax. At Chilibee's, Steve and Pony prepare for their double date, but as Clint and Barb see each other, a conflict begins as they quickly recall each other. Meanwhile, Frank confesses his true identity to Baby Cakes, whose suicidal thoughts resume. Trying to cheer Baby Cakes up, Frank explains in musical form that there are no magical creatures but that simply being his friend is magical, and they need to save Kei-Ko, another one of his friends. As Baby Cakes' depression lifts, their plan to save Kei-Ko is put into action, and the foursome at Chilibee's encounter growing tension. Clint reveals he dated Barb until she cheated on him, and the exes fight. Frank and the Cakeses run back to the Fucking with Animals building, wanting to stop the Dean from converting Kei-Ko to oil. After futile attempts to tell him Kei-Ko is sentient, Frank bribes the Dean, and he stops Kei-Ko from reaching her premature death. Meanwhile, Pony and Steve exit the damaged Chilibee's, discussing the pitiful way their dates acted that destroyed the restaurant. They make plans to date more people, while the Dean has Frank and the Cakeses return Kei-Ko to the Congo. Returning from this trip, a still-hairy Frank is seen by Cindy, and his hair falls off as he explains that he returned Kei-Ko to her habitat and saved Baby Cakes from committing suicide. Trivia * During the beginning musical number of Frank singing about girls, one girl contacts "Pretend Person" to deny Frank the attention he thirsts for. * Cindy replaces Bobby as Frank's neighbor. ** During Frank's second song, Cindy evidently hears Frank's singing, causing her to roll down her blinds. * One of the Church of Pizza employees here reappears as a clerk at the Perk-a-Boo Cafe. Before that, in "Best Face Forward", he was one of the workers at the UCI lunchroom. * The movies Cindy has, Super Mario Brothel and Mr. Holland's Orifice, are references to Super Mario Brothers and Mr. Holland's Opus, respectively. * Frank encounters a mogwai while in Chinatown. When told about this, Leonard regrets not going there. * Pony and Steve are banned from Chilibee's due to their dates fighting. Quotes :Baby Cakes: ♪All Disney princesses have animals.♪ ♪In fact, they only have pets; they never have friends.♪ ---- :Steve: None of these kids are really...attractive. ---- :Frank: ♪Crying with a hard-on is to muuuuch.♪ ---- :Frank: There is my neighbor, Cindy. You guys can probably guess what I want to do with, to and on her. :Pony: Really trying not to. ---- :Baby Cakes: I hate snakes! They're always shushing me. Come on, just take me to a rainbow. Maybe I can score an elf off an Irishman. ---- :Leonard: Grow the fuck up! Yes? :Baby Cakes: I guess I needed to hear that. I am post-pubescent and all. :Leonard: Good. And, yes, we passed that milestone a while back...barely. ---- :Leonard: He doesn't want pizza rolls? This is serious! ---- :Frank: all over his body I just wanted a little on the top! Why did it go full-on Hugh Jackman? ---- :Steve: Barb visits How...great and unexpected and against my wishes for you to pop by. ---- :Steve/Pony: ♪I'm a better person than yooooooooooooooooou.♪ ---- :gorilla starts a musical number via a communicator about the animals' captivity and upcoming deaths :Leonard: Dean, what is this? :The Dean: The talking monkey? I don't know. We got her from some now-defunct Japanese zoo. They're a dime a dozen. What isn't a dime a dozen are barrels of oil. :Leonard: Japan? But her Southern accent... :communicator reads "Accent: Atlanta" :The Dean: She was bred in captivity, doesn't know anything, costs too much to feed; I fucking hate this monkey. I can't wait to turn him into a few miles' worth of crude oil. ---- :Baby Cakes: That ape isn't magic, you fucking dad! ---- :Baby Cakes: Dad! Science isn't magic! ---- :Baby Cakes: Fuck this; I'm dying! ---- :runs into Frank in the woods :Frank: You fucking better have brought some trail mix! :Leonard: Frank? ---- :Baby Cakes: There is magic in the world besides me! ---- :Kei-Ko and Frank's duet :Baby Cakes: Stop bothering my magical Bigfoot you worthless, pre-oil monkey! Oh, I can't wait for Dad to take you back to the Dean. :Kei-Ko: communicator Wait, I'm going back? No! :The Dean: Kei-Ko, it's time for you to be turned into oil—just like Mother Nature intended. ---- :is wheeled away by the Dean, and Baby Cakes will become suicidal if his "Bigfoot" isn't real :Frank: thoughts Do I keep a friend from dying, or do I keep a different friend from dying? ---- :Frank: If I were a Bigfoot, wouldn't I at least be bigger than you? :Baby Cakes: I just thought you were a baby one. ---- :Frank: ♪Listen. Gremlin and satyr and cyclops aside, there is no magic.♪ ---- :Baby Cakes: If she's your friend, then she is my friend. ---- :Barb: Dumb Clint, with his big, dumb temper. :Clint: Shut up, She-goat, or I'll kill you this time! :Barb: You don't have the balls, One-eye! :Clint: I TOLD YOU NEVER TO CALL ME THAT! ---- :Pony: Let's pick up cute, normal drunk people with low self esteem. :Steve: You read my mind. ---- :The Dean: You really are friends with that monkey; kinda warms my place where a soul was designed to go. Tell you what. I'll brew some oil to get you guys to the Congo. :Baby Cakes: Oh, Dean, you're so magical for that. ---- :Kei-Ko: ♪I'll drink from a river now,♪ ♪Then poop and pee right into the river now.♪ ---- Characters Appearing *Baby Cakes *Barb *Cindy *Clint *Cravid *Flip Flop Food Clerk *Frank *Jack Black *Kei-Ko *Leonard *Officer Jacobson *Pony *Stephen *Steve *Sweater Beard *The Dean Gallery Category:Episodes Category:Season 3